House Maintenance

Yesterday I went to put a towel on the rack in the bathroom and it fell off in my hand.

My lawn may be approaching the height of the Serengeti after a good rain.  I could have hidden lions in it.

The pantry shelving in my laundry room decided to collapse. Boy, I had a lot of food in that pantry.  Luckily only the canned pears and pear butter broke.  (I am joking as to my perceived luckiness,  sugary smooshy things that flow across the floor and everything else are not fun.) And why did this happen? Did the previous owners use minimal attachments when placing it on the wall? Would you be surprised if I said yes?

I poured a whole cup of coffee on my nightstand.  (You might be surprised just how often I do that. There may be too many books on the nightstand and I may not be looking where I am putting it down. Maybe.)

My house is still cracking and settling from the post and beam work in January.  Every week is a new lesson in "Huh.  That is a new and interesting crack in my dining room/kitchen/ceiling/wall". 

There are a lot of little things beginning to fray around the place.  I suppose it is spring, and we all have extensive to-do lists.  I am going to put on some offensive (but really bouncy) music and get to work today.

Towel rack.  I have noticed they work better when attached to something.

Just looking at this picture is daunting.  I am glad no one was in here. This is before I knew pears were involved.

The poor coffee and tea stained nightstand draining after the most recent douse. 

Negotiating with a man - Part 2

So does this sound ideal or what?  I am a woman with an old house.  Always seem to be fixing it.  I started dating a contractor.  What's not to love?   What draws me to him is not actually his chosen career, that is how I was introduced to him, what draws me to him is laughter and brightness.  Because of that career there are times he problem solves on my house just out of habit.  I am not so comfortable with that.  It is not his baby.  It is not his gateway to freedom from a empty marriage.  It is not his calm and beauty all wrapped up in a cracked plain farmhouse. To me it is all that. 
 I left my husband with this house.  I have had no decision making help so far. It is a loud knocking at my door of (perceived, delusional) self-sufficiency I think I have going on here to let someone share in this work - in this house. There are some minor(major) bumps for me in skipping down a relationship path with a basket of cookies for grandma.  One, I may have an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with my house.  Two, I may have some boundaries that are tough to cross. 

For starters, let's say for the sake of argument, I might be a tad bit independent-  maybe even fiercely independent, although with a strange dependence streak.  I might have equity - equality issues.  And, last but not least, there might be some major trust issues left behind from my marriage.    Nothing highly unusual for a woman who has lived a life. 
So,  accepting help on something like working on a simple issue for my house is a huge quandary for me. I vowed in the beginning I was not utilizing his skillset other than as verbal assistance, and even then  only after months of seeing him. Heck, maybe years.  The focus was that he is going to be having meals with me, walking, talking, driving, dancing... not managing my home repair list.  My house is an eternal money pit.  I could be doing something on it everyday.  I still have not replaced sections of bug-chewed fir flooring.  It is not fully painted.  I haven't changed out porch supports for ones with less insect holes.  There is that upstairs bathroom that is not quite done.  On and on.   Yes, it would be "easy" to hand over my to-do list and follow his lead.  But it would be crippling.  (And bottom line is I won't do it.) That is not equitable.  In my world, there have never been things "that men do" and things "that women do".  Maybe things "that men do easier" and likewise for women, but a lot of that is cultural.  I know for many people this is crazy talk. They cannot imagine their lives not interwoven with another life where reliance, dependence, being taken care of --are strengths to a relationship, not code words to run like hell.   I get that.  They are not necessarily bad things.  We are products of our environment.  I was raised by a single mom.  A very competent intelligent educated woman.  She led a very self-directed life, with a focus on me.  It was a great environment to grow up in.  There was a large support group of friends that supported her.  Bottom line though, is she taught me to be independent.  Do it myself.  Or learn it.  And my mother being a librarian I had access to a  gateway to all knowledge - books.  Books can only do so much.  They don't drive you to a hospital, help you build stalls, drink tea and knit with you, make you laugh when you want to dive into darkness.  So I am learning balance.  Which is a great thing to learn.

There is this other thing.  The thing I am a bit out of practice about.  On how to share my life.  How to be a partner. I think there can be a bit of trading off of skills that can happen.  My inclination is to line them up on ledger paper in clean debit and credit columns.  I know this is not practical.   But taking the subjective and making it objective with maybe a bit of logic thrown in is very appealing.  But I am well aware this is my fantasy life thinking it calls the shots. 

And, lastly, for the record, I am just babbling.  I am not alone in the wilderness on this, there is actually another person involved in this relationship who verbalizes excruciatingly well.  So even if I think I get to make all these pseudo rules?  I don't.   So voila.  I get to share my life.  I get to challenge my independence issues daily.  I'll let you know if I start grinding my teeth. So far, so good, we seem to be negotiating just fine.  Although I am still a bit iffy on the electrical.... but the everlovin' cool thing is that he will talk to me for as long as it takes until my concerns and red flags about whatever I am winding up about have been allayed.  And that right there is what will keep me joyful.    
 

Negotiating with a man - Part 1

I think I mentioned in passing I am seeing a fella.  Great guy. GREAT guy.  The only problem is that he is involved with an "independent" woman... me.  A somewhat unconventional woman leading a somewhat conventional life. 
He has a skillset that I covet.  He has 35 years of home building and renovation under his belt.  Damn.  So, when I have say -- a light in my bedroom that flickers on and off as Wilder walks in the room directly above--obviously an electrical snafu of some sort that is high on my freak-out scale, he looks at it as an easy adventure and repair he can do. 
We are still negotiating on this sort of stuff.  I have issues with - let's see for starters - being taken care of.  Being paid for.  Being bought.  Being dependent.  I think those are adequately loaded words for starters on how I feel.  So when said fella says he wants to "look at" my electrical as I head off to an appointment I think "yeah, that is fine".  Go ahead and look and tell me what you find. 
Return a few hours later and get an email communique that he added a GFCI (ground fault circuit interrupter) to the line so that will go off if there is a short before the breaker trips. A GFCI monitors the amount of current flowing from hot to neutral. If there is any imbalance, it trips the circuit. It is able to sense a mismatch as small as 4 or 5 milliamps, and it can react as quickly as one-thirtieth of a second. It adds a level of electrical sensitivity/safety to wires that seem to be having an issue before we figure it all out and fix it.   
OK.  There is a difference between looking and doing.  He acted. 
And I am torn, since I hate electrical problems and he just took care of a portion of it. 
The GFCI tripped last night and I went down this morning to reset it.  I was gone this weekend so did not see what he had done.  He spent 30 minutes and a lot of hand motions explaining how this all works to me over the weekend, without me seeing the actual product. So that all made sense as he told it and I expected to see the addition of the GFCI downstairs that I now needed to reset.   When I went downstairs and saw this... I just laughed.  Somehow when he explained this it was all simple.  HA. This is not simple.  None of it. 

Above is the part I laughed at.  Not the actual lovely GFCI (below the white outlet to the left of the electrical convolutions) but this box of wires.  Yup. This is why I don't (yet) touch electrical.  I have the feeling I will be soon, however...

Prom Season

So my daughter looked at prom dresses about a month ago.  Her friend found one for $200, Rose found one for $1400.  Ha.  I heard nothing else about prom stuff until this weekend.  One week before the actual day.  She has no dress, no shoes, no hair plan, nails, etc etc blah blah. 
A good friend asked her to go to prom with some beautiful flowers and her favorite coffee drink.  (We are such NW people, bribe us with coffee and we will pretty much do anything!) 
She was stressin'.  With nothing to wear, and a week until the show.  We got on the ferry after school Monday and blazed through traditional bridal/event dress stores, department stores, boutiques.  Found nothing.  Was hot footing it to the late night ferry and had 30 minutes before the ferry left to blaze through a large downtown department store.  She pulled five dresses into the room.  When she put on the second she became instantly excited about prom.  It is the dress for her.  She ran downstairs to find shoes and the salesman gave her a 10% additional discount along with their sale price.  It was a good day. 

Rose and Nick. Prom 2013.

Undoing the ties that bind - leaving a long relationship

This title is a little misleading  I left my long term relationship physically 6 years ago but have never succinctly wrapped it up like a little burrito to carry around as just another life tale.  Well, here I go. 
I was with Michael 9 years before I married him.  In those 9 years I was in college and he worked full-time.  I went out with friends and danced.  Oh, how I danced.   Michael did not go, since he was too tired from working too many hours. We were very independent during this time, different lives but wound together..in love. We slid into marriage because I was ready to have kids. I was going to leave him over it, and he proposed.  We had 'em, raised 'em, and there was a huge lapse in relational judgment on his part.  And a huge "If I don't see it - it is not happening" on my part. We worked long hours keeping busy. There was therapy. There was a big national parks summer trip when the kids were 5 and 9 that drove it home I cannot participate in the marriage anymore.  Four weeks on the road with them, and he joined us for a week.  Something about stepping out of my too-busy life made me realize it would never get better - I might never heal and forgive, and he did not have it in himself to change.  I needed that month with the kids to see just what was happening, and what would never happen.  He is a nice guy in a generic sort of way, with our generation man problems, just too toxic for me. I was not whole when I was with him.  So I separated from Michael, took the equity out of our Seattle house and bought this 1904 farmhouse.  None of this was easy, or a light decision.  Our kids were young.  It was enormously stressful.   We were gearing up for the divorce.  I found the lawyer. I was pulling together money stuff.  I was raising the kids. Then finished that damn book for work.  It was all amicable, then bam, stroke.  Two months later and I would have not had the caliber of doctors I accessed because I would not had his insurance.   I have calmed down so much since then.    I am still separated now, I need that insurance, and he is fine because I raise our kids. He has never lived in my house, and never will.  But he will always be the kids dad.  And they are my priority, and thankfully his. We are not a traditional break up.  There is a lot of history there that we have not colored with hatred.  I don't have it in me, I am not that kind of person.  I remember the history, and at one point we were happy.  How people disengage is complex and convoluted and even though his behavior was the impetus, I was involved and present.
Michael has been dating since we separated. I had issues with that not because I wanted him back but because I wanted him to help me teach our kids what a relationship is. He can't do that, I know. It has only taken me almost 30  years to figure that one out (and I think I am so smart) ha.   I was stubborn and would not date until I had that divorce.  Well, forget that.  After 6 years of being separated, I am letting go of that moral view.  Life is short.  My kids will navigate their lives.  Everything, and nothing,  we do guides them.  I think they will be okay.  They are seeing their mom happy in a different way than they have ever experienced, and it is opening them up. Rose creates conversations she never would have previously with me. Wilder is navigating the approach to becoming a man. I wish I would have known this years ago, I shouldered an enormous load that in many ways was unnecessary.  Well, I guess it was necessary because I did not see any other way.  Now I do!  

Wilder has this as his bookmark for school -- he loves dancing.

And there is always my half-painted house.  (I wonder if I could ever be happy in a house that did not need something done to it??) Waiting for spring and drier weather to turn the whole house RED!

April 2013 to-do list

It has been a while since I did one of these.  It is long overdue.  I will try  to keep swearing to a minimum.
1. Finish building a garden gate so bunnies and deer don't free range my raised gardens.
2. Put down bark-rock-something around the raised beds.  So it is not just luscious weeds softening my footfall.
3. De-moss my barn roof.
4. Move the manure pile into a line next to the driveway for the sunflower wall.
5. Finish FINISH the upstairs bathroom. Arghh.  Put the plumbing in for the tub. Cover the plywood ceiling. Oh, this one makes me nuts.  I will so enjoy a bath.....someday.
6. Refinish wood trim on kitchen counters.
7. Build bookshelves. Now that I have my house supports done, I can put all my books in one area of the house. Yay!! Related: Decide where bookshelves should go.
8. Clean out garage. (Three car, I can't even tell you what is in there.)
9. Organize tools.  It is getting embarrassing.
10. Get horses in shape.
11. Pull down stunning acoustic tile in living room. I don't know how I will live without its beauty in my life... but I am willing to try.
12. Strap bathroom vanity to wall. (It has only been a year, after all)
13. Paint the flippin' farmhouse - inside and out.
14. Plan garden.
15. Find seeds that got moved to some unknown unspecified location, so that item 14 can be accomplished.
16. Make one more raised bed.
17. Plan margerita party, graduation party, birthday parties. Not all the same day.
18. Repair garage gutters.
19.  Pull out all horse tack and clean and repair as needed.  Get rid of saddles I don't use.
20. Have the horses teeth floated.
21. Buy shocks for the truck. Try to do it for less than the $1200 quoted.
22. Send my eldest off to college. 
23. Finish my medical tests and slide back into my career. 
24. Give my kids lots of hugs.  Whether their squirmy teenager-dom is comfortable with it or not. 

A normal day in the life of a feisty woman.

Recently I worked an auction for a friend. As I was moving 'won' items around tables it dawned on me.  10 pm at night.  Mind racing with organizing, multi-tasking, being my "normal" energetic self.  No brain issues. No exhaustion, fog, loss of clarity, loss of words, dizziness.  I literally- amid the craziness of a big auction- leaned on the table with both hands, closed my eyes and thanked god.  I am so happy to be here.

I have seen what is coming and realize I  have the opportunity to change some shit.   Straight talk within my own head and those I am with.  Engage in life fully.  Make sure my friends know I love and appreciate them.  Ditto with family.  Slow down. Don't be too busy for the little stuff, that is the only stuff that matters. I have said this before, but when I was in the hospital waiting for the stroke to do whatever damage it was going to... I guarantee I was not thinking of my stellar work accomplishments or how green my lawn was. It was 100% pure people I love and what I may miss.  So now, when my son is telling me about an in-depth lego thing that is enormously detailed and enormously boring, I just listen and watch him and his excitement. When my daughter and I get the guffaws over something, and we are laughing our heads off, and she gets that spark in her eye or tilts her head a certain way to say something clever... I notice.   Because, to me, that is all that really counts.  I am having a lot of fun these days!

Rose and I watching surfers....don't we look like we are enjoying it?  I was noticing skill - Rose was taking note of other things.  

Pithy kauai observations

1.Comment by Rose on the day of our arrival as we drove down slow two-laned roads:
It is like a tropical Poulsbo! (Which is our town-we cracked up because Kauai is nothing like Poulsbo.)
2. Comment as we drove down the Kuhio highway.
There is a lot of really nice driveways here! (The houses are all set back from the road, and there were some lovely drives leading to them,)
3. Comment by my astounded teenage girl watching buff, tan and toned young workmen running slowly next to the road, hair waving, safety vest slipping off bare chests- much like a romance novel bookcover:
Who does that? Why don't we have workmen like that?
4. Teenage boy who truly hit grumpy puberty on this trip:
Oh - my - god. Would you guys stop stopping.
5. One of the many over the top comments that perfectly fit in Kauai but would be cheeseball back home:
Looks like someone took all their pretty pills this morning!
6. Very small, very cute child leaning out a car window at us waving and yelling : Hang loose!!
The island mantra.

I took my blood pressure after five days of being there ...86/56. I think I was a teenager when I last had it that low.

Kauai snippets

Putt-putt.
Who has a fresh coconut in their fridge?
Tree climbing.
Amazing tropical color.
The most disgusting ad ever.